marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
