i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he told me I talked like a deaf person
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
