the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
