Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize