My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
