I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
MIDGETS
????
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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