We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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