Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i out mim tonsoeep
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize