Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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