his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
