sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
