just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
