i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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