Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
