u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
