I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I die, sorry about rent.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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