ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
