She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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