I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
What a dumb baby whore.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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