So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize