You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
