If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
