I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
