I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize