I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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