the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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