We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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