So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
