Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
