You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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