I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
