Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
