***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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