On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
