So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
