Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She bit a glass in half.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
