At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Everclear isn't food dammit
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
