I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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