just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
