He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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