I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
