WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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