My balls are so social today.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
