the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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