They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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