i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The air was thick with penises
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
