wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
