I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
