I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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