you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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