Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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