Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
