I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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