im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize