You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
