why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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