if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
