I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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