YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
