So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Drunk is not a location!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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