I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
