I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize