yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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