I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize