im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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