i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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