Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
